More adventures in Hells Garden - Bali

Saw a guy walking his cows on the beach this morning

Then i saw both cows drink from the ocean. I now know the secret to why the cows are so beautiful in Bali.

This is the beach where all the white cows from other countries come to drink.............

Apart from literally dozens of other horrendous skills - white people have the most amazing natural talent of looking so uncool no matter what we do.

We cant even sit on a beach and look good. Our skin color is like one big fedora hat flipflop cargo pant tribal armband jumpsuit . We cant help it . Where ever we go we look rediculous !!

Indonesia is the promised land of all custom motorbikes. This place is heaven on two wheels !!

My roadside pit crew throw some Bacardi and Absolut into Bananas my Indo version of Rambo bike

You can buy anything on the side of the road here...... You can get amazing deals on food poisioning too but today im not buying that. Today im buying a knife or a sword.......

Which leads me to my first story ~

Im staying in the southern most tip of the island caretaking a brand new beautiful indonesian villa for my friend Iggy while he and his family are in America for a year. The house is hidden off the main road down some dirt paths surrounded by jungle. Zero streets or neighbors for ages. In the day time its awsome but at night its a whole different ball game. Its pitch black and absolutely everything that lives in the jungle comes out at night to say whaaaatup . This is a new experience for me. Im used to sleeping to the pleasant hum of police choppers and shootouts. Im petrified at night here. With every sound im on high alert. My guard dog Wasabi is the best but he wont stand a chance if bandits try to scale the gates and machete me for my western clothes. I sleep about 3 hrs a night , but thats spread out over a 9 hr period.

My first 4 nights here were a mixture of terror and panic. All kinds of strange noises had me wishing i'd never watched 99% of all the movies i'd ever watched in my life..............

So on my 4th night at House of a 1000 Offerings i mustive been in a 20 minute section of the night where i was actually asleep when i heard something big. my eyes shot open and my heart exploded into triple speeds. I laid there frozen listening. it was 4am pitch black outside and i heard something outside the house. The walls that surround the house are huge and big iron gates too but something definately bigger than a dog was inside the compound. I was freaking out . Now i could hear things banging around in the back porch. My fear went into new levels . This sound was human. What the fuck is a person doing out here at 4am . my brain went into hyperdrives. Im a mile from anyone and not on a street of any kind. If someone comes down the dirt road its to come here. I laid motionless in bed gripped in fear that bandits were breaking into this huge house. I slowly got up and in my boxers crept in the darkness to the living room. As i walked towards the kitchen to look for any kind of protection i glanced through a window at the back of the house. In the blackness i saw a figure walk by the window. There is someone out there. its confirmed . im going to have to go out there. Fuck fuck fuck !! Being in a brand new house too there wasnt much to choose from in the kitchen. I grabbed a long bread knife . The kind for cutting nice crusty bread. If dudes are outside with sickles and machetes and they see my bread knife theyll bust up laughing and probably instagram me. But its all i had so fuck it im going outside . I sacked up and just in my boxers i quietly unlocked the front door. Outside was quiet and little cooler. My mind raced . Where the fuck is Wasabe my trusty side kick and protector . When this is all over i made a note to dock his pay ......

I start creeping along the porch making my way around the house. The jungle is in full tiltmode. Using all its scary noises at once for effect. I dont even know what animals are even making the noises but im sure there bloody scary. Im petrified at this point im about to confront some really foreign people in about 12 seconds time . I get around the corner , grip my knife , squint in the darkness at the shape moving around and yell in English ~ WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? I yelled it all loud but i bet it didnt sound scary at all . I yelled in english too cos after 4 days of living here i havnt learned YO MOTHER FUCKER WHAT THE FUCK YOU DOING ON MY PROPERTY I GOT A BREADKNIFE in Indonesian yet .

The shape froze and as i got closer i saw a short Balinese man holding a garden hose with a little bit of water coming out the end . In the darkness i could see the whites of his eyes. He was more scared than me . He dropped the hose and started praying repeating SORRY BOSS SORRY BOSS SORRY BOSS over and over. I mustive looked insane to him at 4am . Skinny white man in boxers covereed in tattoos with a huge mustache weilding a bread knife . I looked like Begbie from Trainspotting on vacation . I dropped my knife and we both said sorry a million times while he prayed and i sat on the porch and literally said out loud WHERE THE FUCK AM I ..............

After the language barrier and now that were both best freinds i left him to go back to watering the grass at 4.30am. At the time i didnt think this weird becuase i was too concerned about where the hell was my guard dog Wasabi at ? In all this commotion and excitement he was no where to be seen . I made another mental note to fire him and call the security company about him leaving his post. I went back in the house and laid down for a little bit i was exhausted . When the sun came up i found Wasabi . He was laying dead in the middle of the dirt driveway. The gardner walked right past him in the night but didnt see him. Poor poor Wasabi . My heart sank . It was now daylight and Johnny Jamestown had come over . We both stared at the beautiful wee dog laying in the dirt his eyes still open.

I had no idea what had happened. Johnny said dogs are posioned all the time here by people. Dogs roam so wild here i guess rat poision always gets dogs. We checked Wasabi over for cobra bites but none. its now 6.30am and we cant bury poor Wasabi in the limestone so we load him onto the bike and ride him down the dirt path towards the high cliffs and the tip of the island. At 7am on the sharp edge of a 4 hundred foot cliff on the edge of the jungle with an audience of monkeys and a few cows we said some last words and threw little Wasabi into the ocean. On the dusty ride back i had tears in my eyes !!!

I think i just threw any chance of sleep off the cliff too doomed now !!


Johnny loaned me his guard dog Cheeky as a replacement. Shes working out great but her zombie leg still scares me . More on that later .................

........ it took me a few days before i wondered ~ why was the gardener watering the yard at 4am ?


Matty and me know a bunch of chicks that work on singapore airlines !!!!

These guys ruled . Im going hire them ........ Not to play music ...... but to stay at the house and just keep me company . We can talk about black sabbath and deep purple all night

Indonesian rock is a new experience for me. It's like everything else here ~ Utterly mindblowing

Drumwise this guy attacked his kit with a fierce violent electrocutioner style like the drum kit belonged to his enemies

Im changing my whole approach to photography . Clearly ive been doing it wrong a long time !!!

Im looking for the guy selling sleep on the side of the road. I'd like a few bags of sleep please !!!


My first 4 days here were almost too jammed packed with incidents ........ I can handle one a week !!